Why.....

Do you ever have those times in your life when you desperately cry out to God WHY? There are at times one area of my life where I find it hard to control. It's a very intricate part of the human soul; it's my emotions. In these moments, my dilemma is that my heart will not agree with what my mind is telling me I need to do. It's in this moment that I cry out to God "WHY can't what I am feeling just agree with what I know I need to do/be/have." I haven't found the answer to this phenomenon or even what it's called; however, the past few weeks I have been battling it so much that I have many times asked WHY not only of God but also close friends. Here's where I found out I am not the only one that doesn't understand why these two parts of the human soul won't agree with each other. Let me explain.
I recall in one of my earlier entries sharing that I was struggling with fully being here. I kept struggling inside with not wanting to be here but at the same moment enjoying everything about it. After many prayers and words from the Lord, I felt much better. However, deep down it was still there but not as bad. Then 2 weeks ago the weirdest thing happened. It's like that feeling of not wanting to be here just rose up in me stronger then ever before and everyday was so difficult I found myself just sleeping, and working that's it. I was asking God WHY. My whole life I have wanted to do things just like I am doing now. I went to nursing school for this very reason. I have spent many hours dreaming of coming back to the Mercy Ships and working as a nurse. Why, now that I was here, was I feeling this way? I kept telling myself I shouldn't have these feelings but no matter what I kept doing and praying the feelings persisted onward.
One night I called a close girlfriend and just shared my heart with her. I so wanted answers to the reason why my heart was feeling one thing when I so desperately wanted to feel something else. As I was reading the Word I found a quote that someone had shared when I first came to the ship
"You are a success in God's Kingdom when you are faithful where He has placed you." I realized that God had brought me here to the ship and I have 5 weeks left and I am not going to let the enemy rob me of what I was brought here to accomplish. I had to kick myself in the butt and just realize that I was feeling this way BUT my feelings were not going to control my actions and destroy the work of the Lord. I shared this with my girlfriend and she told me "Lanita, I can't give you an answer as to why you are feeling this way, but you may consider that this is spiritual warefare and you have to fight through it." I meditated on her words and got a sense that yes indeed this is what it was. So I prayed that my mind would be the mind of Christ and that I subject my feelings and attitudes to the will of the Lord. I wish I could say that "boom" just like that the feelings left but that isn't the case, they are still here even now as I write this journal entry BUT they are not controling my life. In fact amazing things are happening inside of me, healing is happening, and areas of my life that were not in-line with the Word of God are beginning to line-up. I am realizing so much about myself and all the junk that I have allowed to take over my mind and heart.
The next time I worked, after having this conversation with my friend, it was the coolest thing, we were watching down in the ward the service from upstairs and it was native Africans singing and sharing their testimonies. Some of the patients were dancing in the ward and I joined in. My heart was flooded with joy. This is what it's all about, praising the Lord in the midst of our trials!!! "Bless the Lord O my soul and all that is within me bless His holy name." No matter what our feelings may be, we have to take control over them and tell our soul to bless the Lord!
My challenge: We need to take control of our hearts and not allow our feelings to interfere with the work the Lord has for us. We need to take control of our feelings and thoughts!!!